


Give It Time

by victorylap



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, M/M, not graphic but mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-26
Updated: 2014-02-26
Packaged: 2018-01-13 20:05:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1239154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/victorylap/pseuds/victorylap
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He hasn't been willing to give a real committed relationship a chance in so long, but Louis is starting to make him question his decision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Give It Time

**Author's Note:**

> Something I've been working on a for a little while and I just got around to posting it (while I should have been doing homework oh well). The domestic violence and child abuse tagged aren't graphic but rather mentioned by the characters quite frequently. So if those are a trigger for anyone I would encourage you to read carefully. Hope you enjoy!

(October 2006)

Zayn notices one day when he tackles Harry to the ground after their first win on the soccer team. They’re both twelve years old and feeling the biggest accomplishment of their short lives. Coming back from a three to zero victory leaves them feeling an adrenaline rush they've never experienced before.

It all stops, though, when the red marks under Harry's sleeves appear. Zayn pulls his hand away like he's just been shocked before looking at Harry with confusion etched clearly on his face. Harry doesn't speak, can't find any words to make this moment disappear. A quick joke about how clumsy he is won't solve it this time because the recent scars are covering a large portion of his body at this point.

"Are these from bullies?" Zayn’s voice hesitantly reaches Harry's ears after what feels like an eternity. There is a slight tone of hope from Zayn’s statement that Harry really doesn't want to have to break.

Harry tries to sit up and weakly shakes his head from side to side. Zayn looks concerned at this point and glances back to Harry. “I heard him. You know when I came by your house last Friday. He was screaming some awful things but I just thought it was a one-time thing. Tell me it's a one-time thing Harry?"

Harry can hear and see the guilt Zayn feels. "I can't," Harry manages before he has to close his eyes to escape the look of Zayn’s face.

"Harry this is a big deal. I don't know what to do about it. My mom-"

"No no no no, Zayn you can't tell her."

"I can’t just watch this keep happening to you Harry.” Now Zayn looks mad like he can’t believe what Harry is telling him. Harry doesn’t care though because he’s vulnerable and angry and he’s hid it for so long now that he feels like there isn’t any point in fixing it now. He can do this. He’s been doing it for so long. Underneath it all though he’s just a twelve year old boy who wishes someone would make a decision for him. He doesn’t tell Zayn that.

"Yeah I know, but I'm scared he will do something to my mum and Gemma if I tell. I can't let that happen." Harry hopes Zayn can hear the pleading in his voice. This has never been physically or mentally easy for him. The one thing that has always been easy for him though is protecting Gemma and his mum. Harry never thought twice about that.

Zayn scoots closer to wrap an arm around Harry's shoulder. Just two twelve year old boys sitting in the dirt after one of their proudest accomplishments. Harry hopes Zayn won't leave any time soon. Harry hopes things get better from here.

(October 2014)

Flash forward eight years and Harry's occupied with another male in his life. This time it isn't his dad.

*

Harry wakes up to the sound of vibration on his bed side table. The table goes still right when he's about to grab his phone and the light dims just too soon before his fingers can reach the screen. When he finally gathers up enough energy to pick up the phone he finds another text from Louis. Another conversation he can't remember. This time it was apparently about billiards. He's played billiards maybe three times in his life so he isn't entirely certain how they could even have a conversation that long about it.

He sighs and rolls out of bed clutching his head because, fuck, he should never get that drunk again. He finds Liam and Zayn curled up on the couch together when he walks into his living room. For a moment he wonders what happened to Niall until he finds him nestled in a chaos of blankets just below the couch. They're all still asleep so Harry just walks into the kitchen to boil some tea.

Soon after Harry puts the kettle on the burner Liam walks in. Harry can't help but think, who else. Liam's giving Harry a wary look, mixed between concern and pity. Harry wants to shout that he's not about to break or whatever Liam thinks might happen if he speaks. Harry's wordless message obviously gets across to Liam because he finally speaks.

"You alright mate? Pretty early for you isn't it?"

 And there's the loaded question. No he isn't alright because this is the fifth weekend he's woken up to Louis texting about absurd things with little to no relevance to Harry's weekday life. It's like his weekend life is completely separate to anything he does Monday thru Friday. He just can't fucking figure out how to make the two coincide.

"Yeah. Just always wake up earlier when I've had too much to drink."

Liam seems to take that as an appropriate response as he reaches to the stove to move the burning kettle. The sound seems to be unwelcome to the whole flat because soon enough Zayn and Niall are standing in the entryway of the kitchen.

"Wicked night wasn't it lads?" Niall's voice breaks through Harry's haze. Harry isn't ever able to figure out how Niall is so chipper on a Saturday morning, but he's always appreciative of it.

"Don't really remember it to be honest." Zayn's rough voice comes through the kitchen and a smirk on his face looks to be directed to Liam.

Liam blushes in response like he has anything to be embarrassed about even though Harry knows the couple has agreed to take things "slow". Which Harry also knows means for Zayn not having sex for a week. For Liam, Harry thinks slow means not having sex for a year. Harry hasn't known Liam for that long but he has a feeling Liam thinks about sex...well maybe never.

"Can't say I remember anything past taking body shots off the brunette." Harry speaks up just so Liam will stop looking like a blushing teenage girl.

"Ahhh that girl was crazy." Niall responds with more energy than Harry ever has.

After a painfully long silence Harry thinks he should just ask. Tear it off like a bandaid. His mom always told him it was the best way to do things.

"So did I mention Louis last night?" And with that Harry scrunches his eyes closed; waiting for the reply that he hopes is gentle enough. He expects at least that from his best mates.

"Less than last weekend", Zayn says slowly, hoping that’s what Harry wants to hear. Honestly Harry thinks he has to take anything he can get at that point so he lets the conversation end there.

"Yeah alright. I can take that." With that they all flood back into the living room with hot cups of tea and some scones. Harry wishes that he could stop thinking about Louis because he can’t see their relationship developing very much further. Harry doesn’t do relationships and Louis has been dancing around the edge for far too long now. Still Harry can’t get the thought out of his head.

*

The next night finds Harry and Liam gazing out towards London. The balcony they’ve been standing on for the last half hour has one of the greatest views of the city that Harry can remember seeing. One of Zayn’s friends invited them to an art gallery opening early that evening and somehow Liam and Harry escaped for some fresh air. Harry wasn’t expecting the night to bring about this type of conversation, though. Harry’s not even exactly sure how they got on this topic, but once again they’ve stumbled upon it.

"You're allowed to be happy Harry, and if Louis makes you happy great. If not, then you'll find someone else. But I think that he does and can make you happy, if you let him."

Harry hasn't known Liam long enough for him go be giving such serious advice but he's thankful for it. The thing is Liam's already been such a great addition to their group. First of all he's made Zayn happier than he's been in years. Second Harry could always do with the extra advice.

The words are pacing back and forth in Harry's head and he isn't sure when they'll stop.

"You're allowed to be happy Harry. You're allowed to be happy Harry. YoureallowedtobehappyHarry." Maybe he should just take the words in stride. Nobody's told him that in so long he thinks he might have forgotten how true it is. Harry tries to take his advice and apply it to their upcoming date. Somehow, though, he thinks it might not go as well as he is hoping for.

*

The dinner date had gone fine at first. That was until Harry ruined it. Louis had just started telling him how he wanted to continue the relationship while they were making their way out of the restaurant. Louis had been smiling so wide, knowing that the date was going so well. Feeling as though they were both on the same page Louis couldn’t figure out why Harry’s breathing was hitching.

Harry tries with everything in him to breathe at a normal rate but at this point he's too worked up. Louis starting to become worried now because Harry's verging on a panic attack and he needs him to calm down. Louis’ looking around to see what could have set Harry off. They’ve just come out of the restaurant and there’s virtually no one on the street. Just two people standing off to the side of the restaurant, and although they’re being loud Louis can’t seem to understand why that would cause Harry to become so upset.

"Harry I'm not really understanding at the moment. Just take some deep breathes." Louis moves closer and rests one of Harry's hands on his chest. "Harry calm down. Please you have to breathe.”

"Focus on marching our heartbeats Harry. You can explain all this to me when you've calmed down yeah?" Harry looks at his palm lying flat on Louis' chest and nods. Breathing one, two, three. This isn’t the most comfortable or convenient place he’s ever experienced a panic attack, but Harry can’t seem to think of a time this would be convenient overall.

A couple minutes later when Harry can't hear his heart pounding in his chest anymore he shifts his gaze to the floor. "We don't need to be one moving entity if that's what you are afraid of Harry. I didn’t mean to freak you out about it. I don’t want this to get too serious too fast." Louis says gently hoping he hasn’t turned Harry off completely.

"I'm not-I'm not afraid-"

"You don't have to lie. Everyone's scared about something in a relationship. It's just that I'm not going to be that annoying boyfriend who tells you what to do with your life. I don't want to rule your life..." Louis takes a deep breathe like he's preparing for the worst. "I just want to be part of it." He looks into Harry's eyes and then down to the tiled kitchen floor. "Your life, that is. I want to be a part of your life."

Finally Harry looks up and thinks that he actually has to speak now. No more silence on his part. "I-I want that too I'm just...scared that maybe you won't want to be a part of my life once you learn that much about me. Sometimes I'm a little ashamed of me." Quickly Harry's eyes cast downward and he wishes he could take it back. He briefly changes his mind when Louis places one hand on his shoulder, squeezing tightly, while the other hand pushes his chin up so he can keep eye contact with Louis.

"Harry, everyone's a little ashamed of themselves. But I want you to know I'm never going to be ashamed of you. I don't care what you've done or are going to do. I want to be a part of your life and that isn't going to change. You can't make that change."

Louis' so earnest that Harry desperately wants to believe him but he still has that little voice in the back of his head saying, " relationships turn people into your father. You don't want to be your father."

Harry fights back the tears at the thought of that. He wants nothing more than to erase those thoughts, wants nothing more than to have Louis change those thoughts.

It's just that Harry has these memories of his mother, helpless and so alone. He can't be back there again. Harry’s never been able to understand if he’s afraid of becoming his father or if he’s afraid of someone else being his father in the relationship. Either way though he knows he was never meant to be in a committed relationship. Maybe it’s in his genes; maybe it’s in his mind.

Harry goes to turn away but Louis grabs him by the arm. Louis' face has concern plastered all over it when he asks, "What is it Harry? What's keeping you from saying yes? What is keeping you from saying that you want this? Because from day one I thought we had a mutual understanding about where we were heading. I’m not mad Harry, I am just so confused.”

Harry needs to explain this to Louis even if he can't explain this to himself. He needs someone to understand other than Zayn. He needs Louis to understand this so desperately, but at the same time he just can't tell him.

"My parent’s relationship never worked out and I can't be them. I won't." Still facing the other way Harry tries to stay calm. Louis' hand has loosened its grip on Harry's arm, but Harry can still feel the tension even while the cold January wind is blowing.

"Why does that concern us Harry? We don't have to be our parents" Louis says it with such ease, like he never gave it much thought. That brings Harry over the edge because that's all he's ever thought about since he was eight and hiding under his bed trying to tune out the crying from down stairs.

"Because I can't be stuck in a relationship Louis. I can't deal with that type of commitment."

Louis tries to disregard Harry's use of "stuck" and focuses on the way Harry's breathing has become erratic again. Louis brow is furrowing more and more by the minute. Surely everyone's concerned about commitment at twenty.

"I'm really sorry Louis. Sorry about this freak out, but I need to go home," the look on Louis face is mixed with confusion and hurt. "Sorry just need...can't be here." Harry never wanted this conversation to end like this. Harry’s a bit of ashamed that he’s just running away from Louis without much of an explanation. It just shows what he’s known all along; he isn’t cut out for this. He calls a taxi to the front of the restaurant and doesn’t look back to watch the expression on Louis face change.

*

Harry walks into his flat sometime after midnight to find Zayn lying on the couch. He tries to slip by without being noticed but that's never worked for him before and, unfortunately, it won't work tonight either.

"Haz?" Comes Zayn’s voice through the dark flat and Harry almost doesn't respond, wants to pretend he's not there.

"Yeah Zayn it's me. Go back to sleep."

"What's wrong? Did it not go well?"

And Harry wants to curse Zayn for being able to read him better than anyone else. He also just wants to wrap himself into Zayn and have himself a good weep.

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong. It was l-lovely," but the stutter in his voice gives him away and instantly Zayn is on his feet coming towards Harry. Before Harry can say anything Zayn’s got both hands wrapped around Harry rocking him back and forth.

"What happened Haz? Tell me please," Zayn whispers into Harry's right ear.

"S’ nothing. I don't want to talk about." Harry's fighting tears and Zayn can tell solely from his voice.

"Why don't we go get you into bed then? Sounds better than standing in the kitchen all night yeah?" Harry has to laugh at that because Zayn’s just been sleeping on his couch but his bed sounds perfect right now. When Zayn has finally got Harry into bed he changes into a pair of Harry's shorts and slips into bed beside him bringing Harry's head to his chest. After several minutes Harry speaks up, shocking Zayn just a little bit.

"He thinks I'm a freak Zayn. I mean I am a freak but now he knows."

"Tell me what happened? You aren't a freak and even if you were it doesn't matter because you are lovely anyways," Zayn says while ruffling Harry's curls.

"I saw this guy outside the restaurant and he kind of looked like my dad you know. He was with a girl and he was like raising his voice and I thought he was going to do something to her so I had to get away. Like run away and Louis was calling after me and he looked at me like I was crazy. Turns out the guy was raising his voice because he was retelling a story but I didn't know. God I feel so stupid. Why do I do this?"

"Oh Harry. You aren't stupid. That's a natural reaction for you. Survival instinct and all that you know? Did you explain it to Louis?"

"Of course I didn't. That would make me even crazier."

"Harry communication is a big thing in relationships. If you want his trust and you want to be able to trust him you have to tell him things. Even things that scare you."

"This is a big thing though. Don't want him running away from the start. M’ sleepy Zayn, can we sleep? Too much drama in one night." Harry tries to brush it off with a soft laugh, but Zayn isn’t fooled. Nonetheless Zayn knows when to let it go and call it a night.

"Yeah of course. We can go to sleep. Just think about it yeah?"

With that Harry falls asleep minutes later while Zayn sits up for another hour contemplates how to help his best friend when Harry won't let him.

*

The next day Louis comes by the flat when Harry's out at the grocery store. Zayn’s siting at the small kitchen table drinking tea when Louis enters. By the look on Louis face Zayn can still tell that he's upset from the other night.

"Hey Louis. How's it going mate?"

"Been better you know? I'm sure you know by now actually. Did he tell you?" Zayn nods his head once. Watching Louis expression for what comes next.

"I really just need to know what's going on. Is this me? Am I doing something wrong?" And there's no edge to his voice, not really, just concern like he really needs to understand what's happening.

"Louis I really can't tell you everything, not my place. But I can tell you it isn't about you. Harry really likes you, haven't seen him show this much interest in another person, maybe ever, but he needs time. It's not going to happen overnight, as much as you both may want it to."

"That's fine. I don't mind at all. I just want to make sure I'm not pushing him away."

"Yeah I get it. Sometimes I feel that way too," Zayn adds with a chuckle because honestly it does feel like that sometimes. They sit for another ten minutes talking amicably before Harry walks in. At the sight of them sitting at the kitchen table he gets red in the face before he drops the grocery bags on the table.

"Hey guys," and his eyes are still moving around the room warily.

"Hey Harry," comes Louis voice, loud and excited. "Just came over to talk to Zayn about a birthday party we’re throwing Liam. Want to be part of the planning committee?"

Zayn looks back and forth between the both of them and breathes a sigh of relief when Harry's face breaks into a grin. Even though he really should be worried because it’s only January and Liam's birthday isn't until August. Details though, details.

*

On the day of Liam's "birthday party" they all hid between the couch jumping out when Liam enters the flat after work.

"Happy birthday mate." Louis says clapping a hand on his back.

"But my birthday…" Louis starts to clap Liam's back harder when Liam abruptly stops and Louis leads him into the kitchen for cake.

Zayn leans in to whisper into Liam's ear while Louis starts slicing the cake. "I'll explain later I promise." Liam just shakes his head because this isn't the strangest thing Louis’ done before.

*

A week has passed since Liam’s “birthday party” when Harry wakes up to find Louis still sleeping on the sofa. They had fallen asleep watching a movie that neither of them was interested in. Harry had gotten home from uni and felt completely exhausted. Waiting for Louis to get home from work he had practically fallen asleep, so when he finally came home neither of them could fight it back any longer.

Waking up earlier than Louis he thought he would get a jump start on dinner. It wasn’t any use to travel all the way back to his flat this late so he figured he’d make Louis some pasta to compensate. Before he started on dinner, though, he needed to take a shower after being at school all day.

After coming out of the shower Harry went into the bedroom to pick up a pair of sweatpants he had left at Louis’ the last time he had been over. Continuing into the kitchen Harry started looking around for ingredients he could use for pasta. Louis’ bad habit of never going food shopping always made it harder for Harry to cook an actual meal.

Feeling a cold draft coming from what Harry thought was the door, he realized he had never put a shirt on when he came out of the shower. Harry’s mind starts to panic because he’s never been shirtless in front of Louis before. Not that being naked in front of Louis was something Harry had never thought about, but because he simply couldn’t do that if he didn’t want to show Louis the numerous scars that scattered his body. Of course Harry knew one day it was going to be inevitable, and something he wanted, but that would mean telling Louis everything which wasn’t something he had considered recently.

While Harry’s mind frantically raced he heard the hardwood floor creaking in the distance. Amongst the panic in his brain Harry didn’t associate the noise with Louis walking into the room. After several seconds Louis stepped into the kitchen and Harry didn’t have time to react. Louis’ response wasn’t immediate as Harry had expected.

“Smells good. What are you making?” Louis’ voice is still groggy from sleep. Harry has always loved the way Louis’ voice changes throughout the day, but he can’t even appreciate it at this point.   

“Um, pasta. Yeah pasta. Except you don’t have anything to go with it. So it really won’t be fancy or anything.” Louis’ smiling from across the room and Harry is just waiting for that to fade away, standing as close to the counter as he can. If Harry could he would disappear into the sink at this point.

“I wouldn’t even know fancy food if someone shoved it in my mouth. Sorry about the cabinets though. I don’t think I’ve gone to the store in about a month. We are always over at yours or Zayn and Liam’s. Can’t ever bother to stock the fridge.”

Louis has a small grin on his face and Harry can’t tell if he’s still half or asleep or not. Louis moves to open the fridge and pull out some juice. Setting down his full glass on the table he goes up to Harry and kisses his cheek. Right when he goes to pull away he slides his hand down Harry’s bicep and when his hand eventually slows Harry knows. He knows exactly the reason he stops. The texture he’s felt so many times. He can feel Louis trying to distinguish between his skin and the long scar that runs down his bicep.

“What’s this from?” Louis asks the question while he continues to run his hand up and down Harry’s arm. His voice is as cool as the juice he just poured into his glass. It comforts Harry a bit, but he can still tell that Louis has some idea of what the answer is already. Harry starts to push away and lean back against to the counter to anchor him. Now that the panic has been going on so long in his mind Harry feels like it isn’t controlling him as much. He feels like he’s been running for the last eight years and he’s just so exhausted.

“My dad. It’s from my dad.” Harry feels brave as he blurts it out, but not brave enough to open his eyes. The stroking on his arm stops but he can still feel the pressure from Louis hand.

“I started to get the idea that this,” Louis waves his hands about to represent something “might have been because of something big. I mean not at first but after a while I figured that you weren’t just pushing me away. From talking to Zayn I guess I figured out that it was serious. I was ready for it to be serious I mean.” Louis stops talking and it sounds like he’s just as lost as Harry.

“Did Zayn tell you?”

“No no. He just told me it was something that was going to take a while. He told me that I would have to let you come to me. Guess I didn’t really take his advice after all.” Louis tries to break the tension with a bit of a soft laugh, but stops abruptly after assessing the situation.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to laugh. I mean. I’ve never been good at this as you’ve probably come to realize.” Louis raises his hand to rest on his forehead rubbing it like he’s just started to have the worst headache of his life. Harry’s stayed silent for quite a while and he’s beginning to feel like he’s making the situation worse.

“No Louis. I-god I never expected it to go like this. You see why I’ve been acting like such a freak recently I guess though, so.”

“Jesus Harry no. You’ve never acted like a freak. It just makes sense now. I feel like I’m finally putting the pieces together. I know you probably don’t want to talk about it or anything, but I mean maybe you could help me piece together the whole thing. If you want that is.” Harry’s started to ring his fingers together like he always did when he was a kid. Another one of his nervous habits that he never fully grew out of. Harry decides he’s come this far tonight why try to hide it anymore.

*

Instead of spending the night cooking Louis pasta Harry talks about his mom, dad, and sister. Instead of making up the happy childhood stories he told Louis in the past he slowly starts talking about the unfortunate times. Louis tries to supply his own background story a bit, but Harry’s basically heard all about that already.

 "Whenever I imagine a relationship, when I tried to imagine our relationship, all I can think of is my mom crying on the floor with her favorite vase lying next to her." Harry whispers the memory so softly Louis has to lean in closer to catch all of it. "I know Zayn keeps telling me that not all relationships look like that, but that's the only one I've ever seen you know? I have the scars to prove that relationship."

Then Harry pauses and Louis thinks it’s his turn to step in until Harry picks up his head to look at Louis. “I want this Louis. I do. I know you’ve been waiting forever for me to say that, but I’m just so fucking scared.” Louis immediately pulls Harry into a hug, gripping tighter then he originally meant to.

"If you want this and I want this Harry we can make this work. I know we can. Zayn's right you know? But we can take it slow. I'll show you how right Zayn is."

By the end of the night Harry feels like he’s soaked all of Louis’ sheets with the endless tears that keep flowing from his eyes. Besides that, though, he feels lighter. Lighter than he has since Zayn found out all those years ago.  Harry isn’t sure if commitment will ever be his cup of tea, there are bound to be more freak outs in the future, but he’s starting to see where Zayn was coming from. He’s always had a good support system, and now he’s just adding to that system. Louis’ been a great addition from the start there’s no reason he can’t continue to keep that up even when they’ve decided to move forward with the relationship.

*

Zayn, Liam, and Niall find out the next day and to say their enthusiasm is visible would be an understatement. Niall jokes saying, “It’s about time lads. I was beginning to think we’d have to lock you two in a room together or something.” Niall’s never really known the whole story but he’s always been supportive, and really that’s all Harry could’ve asked for. Liam just smiles like he knew sooner or later this would all work out, and Harry truly believes he did. Harry thinks Liam knew even before Harry knew himself.

Later when they are all halfway to being plastered, off cheap beer that Niall stole from his roommate, Zayn pulls him into the kitchen. The boys are being anything but quite in the next room and Harry can’t help but laugh at that.

“So it’s working out eh?” Zayn bumps his shoulder against Harry with a smug smile that is way too confident for someone who just tripped over the coffee table. Louis had given him enough grief about that for an entire lifetime.

“Yeah I think it finally is,” Harry says with a smug little smile of his own because this has been a long and emotionally exhausting week but he finally feels like he deserves to be proud of something. An emotional accomplishment, one he’s been fighting against for years, but has finally come out on the other side.

Zayn just folds an arm around Harry’s shoulder and leans their heads together in solidarity. “I always knew you were going to tell him. I sensed from the beginning he was going to be the one you would finally tell. I’m so proud of you Harry. Really. I know that I’m drunk and it seems like it means less this way, but I always knew you were strong. I’ve known since that day on the pitch in seventh grade, but now I really see it.”

“Thanks Zayn,” Harry says. He really means it even when he says it so simply. Even so, he can’t help from adding a bit of sarcasm to it because otherwise the situation becomes too serious. Being drunk and too serious leads to crying and they both know Harry doesn’t need any more of that this week. “I always knew you were a sap. You never needed to prove that to me.”

“Shut up you curly haired bastard.” With that Harry hits Zayn in the arm just hard enough to sting.

Finally they move out of the kitchen to rejoin the party. Niall’s splayed across the couch while Liam is sitting on the floor, both with controllers in their hands, fighting over who’s going to win the fifa match. Meanwhile Louis is sitting in the armchair, a bit askew, looking more drunk then either of the other two. Harry can’t wait to spend more nights like this without all the anxiety of the last couple of months. He has a feeling that’s not going to be hard to come by in the future.

 

 

 

 


End file.
